My mom always sat down last.
She made sure everyone else had what they needed before she picked up her own fork.
“Where’s the butter?” She’d hop up to get it. “I think we need more salt.” She’d sigh, then get up again.
By the time she finally joined us, she looked tired. But she believed — like so many women do — that putting herself last was a way of being a good mom, a good wife, and a good woman.
This may sound like another era. And yet, so much of it still lives on — just in different forms.
Maybe not with butter at the dinner table. But in the way you might plan and host a kid’s birthday party entirely solo and not even realize you’re doing it all. In the way you might be the one responsible for cooking dinner, picking up takeout, and still feeling like you didn’t do enough. In the way you might be the one to track doctor appointments, homework, and which days school is out.
You at all?
If you catch yourself wondering how to stop putting yourself last, you already know something needs to change. You’re probably exhausted. Maybe resentful. And you might wonder how you became the one to do everything, while also believing you’re the only one who can do it.
Here’s the short answer: you were taught to.
It’s not a personal failing. It’s conditioning.
From the time we’re small, most women absorb a very specific set of rules about what it means to be good. Be helpful. Be agreeable. Make people happy. Take care of everyone around you, and don’t complain about it.
We were fed the same messages. And many of us received an extra layer: have a successful career. Do it all. And look good, too.
These messages can be so ingrained we don’t even realize what they’re really saying.
“Don’t be selfish” — your needs don’t matter.
“Be a good girl” — put everyone else first.
“Be nice, don’t argue” — stay in your place.
“You can have it all” — do it all.
And we did. We carried it. The logistics, the emotional labor, the mental tabs that never close. We told ourselves this is just what life looks like.
It doesn’t have to.
Stopping is... hard. Maybe harder than you think. But that’s not to be discouraging, rather to recognize the power of what you’re doing. You are stepping out of a role, one decision at a time. And when you do, you step into more of who you are rather than a role you’ve been conditioned to play.
It looks like voicing your opinion even when your voice shakes. Trusting your gut instead of talking yourself out of it. Asking for help without over-explaining why you need it. Looking your partner in the eye and saying — actually, you can learn how to cook. Letting someone else plan the birthday party.
Not because you can’t do it. We all know you can. Because you shouldn’t have to do it alone.
It might feel wrong at first. Because anything you’ve been conditioned to believe is selfish will feel selfish when you stop doing it. That discomfort isn’t a sign you’re making a mistake. It’s a sign the conditioning is working exactly as designed.
One question I come back to with clients again and again:
What do you need right now?
Listen to the answer.
From there, look at what you’re carrying.
So many women describe their daily life as juggling a lot of balls — afraid to drop anything. But fear has a way of making everything feel equally urgent, equally fragile. And not everything you’re juggling is a glass ball.
Some of what you’re holding will bounce if you drop it. The birthday party someone else could plan. The dinner someone else could figure out. The appointment someone else could track. Those are rubber balls. They’ll be fine.
But you — your needs, your energy, your sense of self — that’s a glass ball. And more times than not, women are dropping themselves while white-knuckling the rubber balls.
What can you let go of?
What can you hand to someone else?
Ask for help with appointments. Have someone else figure out dinner. Let something go that has been yours for too long.
The things you put down won’t break. But carrying so much that was never yours might break you.
When we start letting go of what’s not ours, we’re better able to protect what is. You matter in your own life. You deserve your own time, energy, and attention.
And when you give that to yourself — you might go to bed feeling like yourself again. Like you actually showed up for you today, not just for everyone else.
With love,
Sarah
If You’re Ready for More
I created A Return to Self for exactly this — for women who are ready to get clear on what actually matters to them, and to put down what was never theirs to carry in the first place. It’s self-paced, audio-based, and built around a framework I’ve been developing for years. Your own time, your own pace.